After this many years, I’m going to reflect on some of the things I have learned while inspiring folks from all walks of life. I have made it my life’s mission to bring light into other people’s storms to brighten the darkness caused by the clouds.
1st, there are those that entertain the idea of stopping. That does not mean they are ready to. They seem to be playing with the idea at best. Plant some seeds of wisdom and water them when you cross paths, with the said person you planted them in.
2nd there are just 2 reasons a person gets clean. One they have made it to the point that they have to quit. Having to quit, is different, means someone or something made them have to re-evaluate the cause and effect. The cost to continue what they have been doing becomes tremendous, the person can no longer pay the balance, and the scale tips from good to bad. When the scales of justice get involved in their everyday life.
I know this from my own path as I once suffered through addictions, and hard learning. Seemed that I was for sure becoming a wasted life, in and out of prisons and institutions. This all stems from the resentments I carried with me for what had happened when my mom passed from this life. I was 12 years old then. One thing I’ll let ya in on what I’ve found is that many of us go through some wild stuff at the age of 12. Seems to be the magic number. For a lot of folks, that’s when things get janky.
I was about 45 years young when I learned of Parental Alienation Syndrome. I looked into PAS. What I found in the diagnosis, described me to a T. I was forcibly taken from my mother at 3 months old. Made to act like it did not matter. I was told my half siblings did not matter, “They were only halves!” In what fairyland that had originated. In the end,
My brother Marvin, was full blood.
My grandmother tried to make me alright with not having a mom. Not having anything to do with my halves. Because they did not mean that much. My grandmother never took responsibility for her actions, she was not sorry. Her mission was 2 parted, she thought of her way of providing a better life for me. It was better than a mother’s love.
Later as I grew in age, my siblings told me a truth that my grandmother had been trying to undercut my whole life. My mom had been young when she had me. Yea, it was for sure odds stacked against her. Money and power played its role. My grandmother was a beast when it came to getting me from her. The fact that my grandmother did not want her boy, my dad, to pay child support to such a vile woman as she, that attitude bled off into my young mind. I felt abandoned, by a person that never abandoned me. They treated her badly when she tried to have something to do with me.
My mom had to do what was best for my siblings, and raise them. Loving and wanting what was best for me. She knew I’d be tended to. So we all suffered. This is just the tip of the Iceberg. My stepping stones, to the life of rebellion. When the truth hit me in the face, that I had been living a lie. That my mom had distanced herself from me. Due to the treatment of my dad and grandma.
My dad in the end was the instigator, with my mom and the drug world. She had not done those things till she met him. They were both adopted out of the foster system to families at birth, so there is that all of us even I were raised apart from their roots. Just the way the cookie crumbles.
So just to say, “ I fought a silent war. For the better part of my young life, from the young age of 9 to 18 years old to prove the relevance of my mother and siblings!”
Though the self-imposed hell I created for myself. I learned lessons after lessons. My life was not going to change direction, till I made the choice.
I’m not a victim to anything but a life of self sabotage. Due to resentments held against 1 person for doing the best they thought they could for me.
I took her efforts to raise me, and disrespected them at every lasting resentment. I was wrong to rebel against my grandmother for taking me from a loving mother. I suffered unapologetically from my own crown of thorns.
Sorry but not Sorry, that right there screams, “kamikaze!” I was to make myself unlovable to anyone who had part in taking Lil Paul from his Mom.
That’s my fault, the story that unfolded for me was the product of my own false thoughts. My own false teachings. My own self driven destruction. “But, hey man, something happened to warp my reality!” My response to them was what sent me on a path of self torment.
I loved my grandmother, she thought I hung the stars. I loved my Dad too. My love for my Mom trumped them all for the fact I was never able to make my own assumptions concerning who my mom was or was not. PAS its real, can become real bad if untreated.
I am a product of it. My life shows it. At the other end of dealing with it on my own. I wish someone could have said “Hey man chill out, you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. All these people you have raged war with are trying to do right by you even though they are wrong.”
So for the second reason to get clean.
You get sick and tired of the world addictions bring with them. The people, places, and things are no longer lining up. The joy has become misery. The misery makes you change.
“18 years and life to go!” Skid Row.
18 years I’ve been out of the dope world. No better decision had I ever made. I have a life to go without it.
1 regret, the time I spent in that world could have been spent in a better way.
There are so many things you can do to make a move to the better side of life. Sometimes it just takes an ear that’s been through it. To help ya see the light.
I have been building Kurko Inspires for years to inspire people with what I’ve lived through, and does not have to define my future. I don’t have to be the wasted life I had set out to become over a few thick resements. It’s a choice I have, to be a better person than I was yesterday. With change comes growth.
I really appreciate everyone who has stuck with me through this journey. Of inspiration. I have made it to a place in life where living is thriving. Life is worth living. God’s grace has covered me when I was not to cover myself. His grace is given freely to those that choose him.
From the downfall to inspiration if I can anyone can. You can not save everyone. And you have to save yourself 1st. Here’s to second chances.
Kurko Inspires 